Ebony Johanna

Three Cups of Tea

2009-06-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

Finally after about three months or so, if not longer, I am finished reading Three Cups of Tea. It was a good book, but for me a slow read, and especially slower due to school, wedding planning and a million other things that placed the completion of this book on the back burner. But school is done for the semester, I am married and the ‘million other things’ have taken care of themselves in one way or another.

When I first saw the book on the shelves of Barnes and Noble a year ago, I was immediately intrigued by it because of its title: Three Cups of Tea. For anyone who knows me, I absolutely LOVE tea. I drink it all of the time, even in, as my husband says, 100 degree weather. I do not know why I love it so much but sometimes I think that I should have been born in England where whole meals are designed around the drinking of this great obsession.

Anyhow, shortly thereafter, one of my teachers recommended it due to its content. I found myself asking for a copy for Christmas and at what seemed like a reasonable time, launched into it. As I mentioned before, it started off a little slow speaking of the authors mountain climbing adventures in the Middle East which I was not the least bit interested in. Yet, I was determined to keep reading it because I just knew that it would be a great book because my teacher told me so and I trusted his opinion. And it was! I appreciated the author, Greg Mortenson, and his approach to fighting against terrorism, not with guns and war, but by building schools and providing a solid education to at-risk children throughout Pakistan and Afghanistan. I say ‘at-risk’ because without the schools that he provided, children who desired an education would have no other option but to surrender themselves to madrassas, schools that force its adherents to oblige to a strict form of Islam in support of Jihad.

I am in favor of Mortenson’s less conventional approach. He addressed the roots of terrorism, instead of fighting against its symptoms. He understood that without education, people do not have much say over their future and will submit themselves to whatever opportunities emerge. He also understood the value in educating girls, something that prior to his building, was not heard of. For him, if a girl could reach even the fifth grade level, the rate of maternal mortality and child mortality would decrease, addressing 2 of the 8 Millennium Development Goals ending global poverty by 2015.

If I were you, I would check it out.

Also, if you are not familiar with them, find out more about the Millennium Development Goals at http://www.un.org/millenniumgoals/

10 Great Places in the Twin Cities to Write a Book

2009-06-26T22:14:00.000-07:00

1. French Meadow Café on Lyndale- Great food and ambiance.

2. Wild Roast Café in Northeast Minneapolis- comfy chairs, wi-fi soup…need I say more

3. Dunn Brothers on E Lake Street near St Paul- also comfy chairs and wi-fi

4. Your Local TCF Bank (note: you must be an employee for this to work)- During the time that I worked at TCF, I probably wrote half of my book

5. Barnes and Noble in the HarMar Mall- they have Starbucks and books, but unfortunately they lack free wi-fi

6. Panera Bread in Brooklyn Park- just a great place and its close to where I live

7. North Central University’s Classrooms- I went to college here and sometimes when the class lectures got a little boring, I wiped out my notebook or started pounding a way on my laptop. If you’re not a student, it might be a good idea to become one. Guaranteed to get some good material in one of those systematic theology classes and oh, you might learn a lil too!

8. Caribou Coffee in Highland Park- Can we say nice, warming fire place sure to get you comfortable through the Minnesota winters? Although I do not like their coffee or tea as much as I do Starbucks, still a really good place to write.

9. The Tea Garden in Uptown- Simply because I like tea.

10. My home- its comfy, relaxing, and I get some great inspiration there, plus I get free tea and kisses.
I hope that you recognize that it is not as important where you write, but it is important that wherever it is, it is a sanctuary for you and a place that will enable inspiration. For me, the café atmosphere is where it’s at but that may not work for everyone. Some people need it extremely quiet and secluded, some need more inspiration. I encourage you to try a couple of places around town to see if they fit and then post your own top ten list on this blog.

75 Target Card

2009-06-25T11:16:00.000-07:00

Do you want to win $75 Target Card?

Of course you do, who would not want to! Personally, I love the store as it is a one-stop shop of groceries, beauty products, kitchenware, book shelves, and well, the list can go on.

If you are like me, and you love the store, here is how you can get it:

I am looking for TWO good reviews of my book Dancing on Hot Coals. That's pretty much it, its very simple. If you can submit me a good review by July 15th, I will send you the card. Hopefully, you've read it or you own it. If not, please visit http://www.amazon.com/Dancing-Hot-Coals-Ebony-Hatch/dp/1440497834/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1245954109&sr=8-1 to order your copy.

Oh yeah, you are probably wondering where to send your submission to. Email it to: ebanna22@gmail.com.

For more information on Dancing on Hot Coals, go to http://ebonyjohanna.com

Follow me @ebonyjohanna

A Voice

2009-06-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

I’d prefer to drown my sorrows in something that will make me laugh and forget about tomorrow’s reality that looms on the horizon despising humanity.

Such attempt is not easy as on every occasion that I turn on the TV. I see war and strife, hatred and shame. The exploitation of the poor and the empowerment of the famous ones taking more and more, giving less and less of the resources to help the dying, though they hear the crying, they excuse themselves by shifting the blame, pointing their finger accusingly, declaring “This man is the reason for your pain”.

And do they go after, in hopes of eradicating a disaster mistakenly blowing up the wrong man, shooting who they thought was the strong man, who ironically was their only means of salvation. The cycle continues as brother attacks brother, and mother the fathers, intertribal conflicts abound, neighboring nations kill one another in hopes of justifying their own causes, not really interested in the well-being of the people, for in fact they despise and kill the people.
It all makes me sick!

I flip to another station but the image I just saw haunts my imagination as I can’t seem to figure out why we do this to one another. Why we hate so much on one another, why we are so jealous of one another. It’s not just the black race destroying their own, though they use guns; others use systems to keep their people in prison in fear that if they break free, they too might do the same thing.

They fear being taken advantage of and so instead of waiting for that opportunity they one up on the other, stripping them of their land, stripping them of their pride, stripping them of them of their mind, attempting to brainwash and reshape their thinking. That is until they those they wished to oppress begin to fight back. Now their rebels, now their renegades, now their terrorists cuz they weren’t down with your charades, refusing hunger and poverty, they too want to be somebody and reach for the stars, becoming that somebody that their mommy told them they could be.

What we fail to realize is that our humanity is bound up in the other, dependent on one another. When we sell our women and children just so we can get a fix or perhaps make those ends, we sell ourselves, we lose ourselves to the same horrors that we demanded them be submitted to.
When we slander the good name of someone else to puff ourselves up and stick our chests out, we in fact destroy not only them but our destiny as well. As now our conscience bears witness against us and is seared with shame, we can no longer go forward in good faith, now we must run amuck paranoid and disillusioned, lest someone wiser uncovers our foolishness.

Where did this all begin? I’ll tell you, right outside the garden. Right outside paradise, when Cain decided to take his brother Abel’s life because he felt threatened by his successes and ashamed of his own transgresses against the one who created him. Instead of getting his own mess right, and figuring out what he needed to do for his own life, he took the easy way route and laid his brother out. And when God has the audacity to ask where he was, he answered asking “Am I his keeper”. Well yes Cain, in fact you are your brother’s keeper. You are your brother’s, your mother’s, your father’s, your sister’s your neighbor’s, your enemies’, your leader’s keeper. Nothing has changed; all that was then back then is still the same. We are humanity’s keeper!

Visit http://www.ebonyjohanna.com/ or amazon.com to check out my latest release, Dancing on Hot Coals.

Orajel- The Oral Pain Relief for Toothaches

2009-04-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

Never say never. That's all I can say, at least this is now all I can say. Never is what I told my dentist about a month ago when she told me that I had to get my wisdom teeth out. Never is what I told my friends anytime they complained about their teeth hurting them as mine never posed a problem. I knew that it was necessary but as long as there was no threat, for me getting them removed was never a reality. At least that is the way it was until...Friday.
Friday April 24th, it started off as such a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and even though the circumstances surrounding me were not too bright, I was in the right state of mind. Driving to work with the windows down, I was in a realm of peace and it felt great. That was around 9 o'clock. Around 12, my teeth began to bother me just a little bit. It did not really hurt but was absolutely annoying but I did not think anything of it and thought that as quickly as the annoying pain came, it would just as soon go away.
It did not.
Friday turned into Saturday. By mid-day, I'm getting really ticked because no amount of tylenol will shake this thing. Its all I can think about. Although I supposed to be kicking it with my girls, thanks for the wonderful party again ladies, in the back of my mind I'm disturbed because I cannot get comfortable with this agonizing pain that is my teeth. Now I understand why teething babies are cranky, because its all I can keep from doing from going off on somebody.
Now its Saturday night, with another group of friends and still the pain persists. Someone suggests Orajel, the magical wonderful medicine that will numb my pain so that I cannot feel it anymore. Yeah! I'm excited to hear a solution and rush over to Walgreens on my way home to pick up my new best friend. I get home, rip off the safety label and apply that sucker on my teeth like there was no tomorrow. I felt the numbness beginning to kick in...for all about 3 minutes. After that, the pain was still there. What the heck was going on? This was not how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be in peace, not this.
Needless to say, I did not get much sleep that night. Saturday turned into Sunday. After much complaining, my fiance suggests that I call the dentist to see if I can go in on Friday and get these demons extracted. Monday morning, before my feet can even hit the floor, I'm on the phone dialing the teeth people's office asking them when can they fit me in. Tuesday? No, I have to work. Friday? Yeah, that will do.
I hang up the phone, overjoyed because now this pain can go away. In the meantime, I pop Tylenol like its candy and Orajel like its red kool-aid. Together they work pretty effectively at numbing this pain for like 2 or 3 hours. But they are not permanent, they cannot really get at the root at why the pain is there and they cannot cure it either. The permanent solution? Undergo a painful surgery and get those things out!
What are you using to numb your pain? Like Orajel and Tylenol, it wont get at the root causes of why the pain is there and will only cover it up temporarily. Maybe yours lasts more than 2 or 3 hours, but no matter how long it cannot really satisfy or cure the brokenness. In my life, I've used the pain numbers of shopping, t.v., relationships, eating, exercising, and so much more. At the end of the day, whenever that anesthetic wore off, I was still hurting. I had to deal with the root causes of those things and come out, no matter how painful that extraction was, so that I could live pain-free.
Today, I asked my boss if it would be ok if I took Friday off to deal with this. Without hesitation she said yes, saying that if I did not deal with it now, it would only get worse. I charge you, whatever yours is, deal with it now. Suffer the pain of surgery and coming up under the knife of healing now, and live tomorrow free as a result.

1000 in 5- The First Day

2009-04-25T06:57:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have not heard, I am pursuit of a goal...a big goal. But you can help me reach it. My goal is to sell 1000 copies of my book, Dancing on Hot Coals in 5 days, just 5 days. The reason, loan sharks are after me and if I don't come up with the money they will take my life! Ok, no really, that's not it at all. But the reality is that times are a lil' tough and you gotta make it in any "legit" way that you can. This is my way. Here is how you can help:

If you have not had a chance to purchase a copy of Dancing on Hot Coals, purchase it at https://www.createspace.com/3363523 . The new price: $15. If you want to get a snip-it at the book, visit http://www.ebonyjohanna.com.

Secondly, tell all your friends about it. Blog about it, update your facebook status, twitter about it, I'm recruiting you!

Thirdly, celebrate with me when I reach my goal. Only 5 days. On your mark, get set, go!

------------

Dancing on Hot Coals...

...when life gets rough, just dance

It is a must read for women young and old alike. Although men and women are both created in the image of God, women have been blessed (or cursed depending on how you look at it) with a unique disposition that allows us to see and experience things differently. Dancing on Hot Coals will encourage women to acknowledge their sensitivity, vulnerabilities and weaknesses as points of strength rather than moments of destruction. It will encourage women to move past pain and embrace healing through the pain. It will encourage women to wrestle with their faith and the questions of life without answers but resting in that place of ambiguity as a result of God's great love. Ultimately it will draw them into a deeper understanding of who they are in light of who God is.

Click Here to Purchase Your Own Copy https://www.createspace.com/3363523

or email me at ebanna22@gmail.com and I will deliver it to your front door!

The Train Station

2009-04-21T20:37:00.000-07:00

In effort to say all of the things that I wish to say, that I cannot say on leaving and cleaving, I have crafted a short story. Though it is fictional, it is a representation of some themes present in my life and the new journey of life and love that I find myself on. Enjoy!

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As Maylee waited in the station, counting the minutes and hours that lay ahead, she carefully pondered all that she would be leaving behind. She recalled images of family and friends that unmasked a deep gray past full of pain and broken promises again and again. She remembered a crimson-stained history of concealed secrets that if let out had the potential of exposing individuals but because they were kept inside destroyed her family. Divorce and depression and unforgiveness kept her family ensnared but that was all they knew and all they were ever willing to know so as such they abided not understanding that they too could be free.

They cautioned her, 'life would be no better where you're headed'. Though she had never seen it, Maylee knew different. She read in story books of where peace existed, she overheard her neighbors once say that joy could really be attained. Rumors circulated in her town of wholeness and unity and freedom that could exist and that she wanted for herself. Though her family pleaded with her to stay, to reside in dysfunction and hopelessness, she packed her bags and left knowing that a better life awaited her on the other side of the tracks.

She packed all of her belongings and precious memories of childhood and youth. Though not many, she would cherish them and cling to them as one would to rare precious jewels. She carefully wrapped her fragile possessions, placing them in delicate cloths that would promise to last through her journey. When she was certain that everything was in its proper place, she slowly closed her suitcase but as she did scarfs of bitterness caught her eye.

Frightened, she frantically threw open her suitcase and noticed that along with bitterness lay royal garments of anger, hatred, and resentment too! These she did not want, they she would leave behind. Carefully, Maylee removed them from her things and placed them to the side. That's when pain caught her eye; at first Maylee thought to remove that too, btu she realized that she would need it. Not so that it would continue to pierce and destroy her as did the other things but to serve as a reminder of where she did not want to be.

She gathered her suitcase, walking out of her room, and then out of her house for the last time. No one was present to bid her farewell so there were no goodbyes. Although it made her sad that no one had come around, she had to keep moving forward. She walked down the dusty and broken cobblestone road for two miles until she reached her destination, found a seat and sat, waiting for her train to come.

Minutes passed by. Minutes turned into hours, hours turned into days, days into weeks, weeks into months. People came by consistently, jeering and accusing her of being insanne but still she sat knowing that one day her train would come. They told her it had been over 20 years since a train pulled into that station but still she was determined to sit. She was determined to sit, she was determined to pray, and she was determined to receive everything that was promised to her.

Finally after months of waiting, Maylee's train pulled into the station. "Ma'am are you sure this is the train you want"? "Yes, sir", Maylee responded. "Can you pay the fare"?. "Yes, sir" Maylee replied.

Standing for the first time in months, Maylee grabbed her suitcase and walked slowly to the doors. After going up one step, she placed her suitcase down, exhaled and turned around to behold the world that she was leaving one last time. Was this what she truly wanted, was this what she truly deserved? Doubts began to overflood her mind until before long Maylee was drowning in a sea of them. She began to recall all of the things that her family said, and maybe they were right; maybe family and peace and joy liked she longed for didn't truly exist and were only fit as fairytales for children's books.

At the moment when Maylee seemed she would be overtaken, she remembered where she was and who she was. At the moment she considered forsaking her destiny, she remembered that she, herself was living proof that it was real. The train was there, wasn't it? Though people told her that it would not come it was here and she was standing on it!

She did not know what the future held if she stayed on that train but she was for certain what it would mean if she got off. Though unpredictable, the future that lay ahead of her looked much more promising. She would have to work and she would have to roll up her sleeves and fight, but she was beginning to understand that success and happiness did not come easy- only failure and misery did!

"Ma'am, are you ready to leave, the train needs to pull out"? "Yes, sir", Maylee responded for the last time. She ascended the remainding three stairs, paid her fare adn took her seat. And as the train pulled off, Maylee knew that she was finally free.

Trees

2009-04-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

Out of my kitchen window stands these tall trees that stretch up into the sky and pierce the clouds with their many leaves and branches. I am not sure how many are out there, a mere glance tells me at least a hundred but I am just not sure.
What is certain is that they are there, coloring the canvas of my mind with elegance and grace. Minor differences are present but they are all pretty much the same. Not one stands out from the other as they are all laden with beauty and all covered the same; same bark, same branches, same nakedness as for now they have been stripped of their leaves. They are uniform and not very distinct but they are trees, systematically planted and lined up in quaint little rows so as to diffuse any argument that might occur among them about who is the best tree, or who is the tallest tree, or who is the thinnest.
What if people were like these trees. Not all trees but these specifically. What if we were all beautiful and what if we were all tall, what if we were all uniform, what if we were all the same. What if we all wore the same clothing, and all had the same accent, and spoke the same language, and believed God exactly the same. They there would not be wars and rumors of wars as there would be nothing to fight about. Then there would not be any competition- jealousy and rage would cease to exist as we would all look the same and consist of the same stuff. We would all be of the same political party; whether we would all be Democrats or Republicans I am not sure, but maybe it would not even matter because we would all think the same things and believe the same things.
Though this sounds fanciful, it also sounds, I don't know, a little boring to me. Although there would be no fighting, no strife, no conflict, no dying, no competition, no crying there would also be no distinctness, no me-ness, no separation from where you start and where I begin. There would not be variety, color, a sharpening of the minds and intellect, no creativity, no innovativeness, no need for a Savior (as trees don't need a Savior) as we would all be the same and look the same and act the same and live the same.
Perhaps the question then is not how I make you more like me but how you can remain who you are with all of your wonderful distinctions while being in relationship with me, coming forth with all of mine. to me, this is the greater miracle of unity and harmony and reconcilation in the world- how people of different faces and different races can still come together and become one!

People

2009-04-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

In their pain and inability to cope appropriately with their stress, hurting people often respond by hurting other people.
Often they turn toward the people closest to them and push them further and further away until one day they are no longer there.
It's sad but it's true. Just think about the single mother who decides to lash out on her innocent child because it seems like her burdens are to heavy to bear. Or the husband who desists from responding to his wife because the demands at work are too much and refuses to share them with her.
Or the sister, the brother, the father, the mother, the cousin, the friend who turns toward another in hopes to afflict them with the same curse that has been placed on their shoulders. Although they don't truly wan the other to suffer, they want the pain in their own hearts to go away and fade into the darkness.
So they continue to provoke, they continue to heap, they continue to push, they continue to divide until there is nothingness....now there is even more emptiness...
The void enlarges, the anger grows but now there is no one there but themselves, staring at themselves, no longer able to blame the world because in fact they have eradicated it, themselves now the only persons to blame. No one present to help bail them out, the cycle continues until they defeat themselves. Hurting people hurt people, but in the end they only hurt themselves.

February Blues

2009-04-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

After months of anticipation and waiting, I cannot believe its finally here. I don't know why I always do this to myself, every year its the same ol' thing and yet I act as if its something new and something unbelievable. But its believable and its real. Spring that is, its so real that I can almost taste it. I smell the beautiful lilacs on the horizon, I hear the new born birds, I cruise the town with my windows rolled down and deep in my soul I know that it is finally before me. Yet in the middle of February, caught in what seems like an endless list of blizzards, it seemed hardly like it would come. At that moment my focus was getting home and keeping my body warm. But I longed for the Spring sunshine more than anything. And now its here. Why do I do this to myself?

You know what else I do to myself? I stress myself out unnecessarily. Partly because I get so worried and anxious about things I cannot control, when I should be trusting God instead. Partly because I pack my schedule so tight that I start to complain that I never have time to do anything. Its all really quite funny, or at least I thought it was until two different medical issues within weeks of each other come back with the same report, signifying that stress was taking control of my being and attacking my body.

Only then did I begin to take seriously the Lord's exhortation to not worry, only then did I really start to consider what it means to sit at his feet instead of being bothered about the things that really will end up taking care of itself in the end. But its quite difficult to see that when the list of things that need to get done never ever shrinks down in size but instead continues to grow.

I pray that I learn my lesson this time. I pray that I learn to focus on the most important thing and let the other stuff go for another time. I pray that I learn to trust more, not myself and what I can do in my finite understanding, but that I learn to trust, rely, depend, and wait on God instead.

Resting Place

2009-04-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

So many different things on my mind, so many things that need to get done.
A million and one different tasks that need to get completed and rest just is not one of them.
I need a place, a secret place where I can dwell.
I need a place, a dwelling place where I can lay my head.
And be still.
And block out the cares of this world.
I need a place where I can unveil my concerns and not have any one judge me.
A resting place.

Santa Wears A Big Red Hat

2008-02-08T21:50:00.000-08:00

Two things I know: Santa wears a big red hat and Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. Although the one does not necessarily relate to the other in any way shape or form, both of these things to me are so blatantly obvious, this and that they share the same holiday. Not only are these two so obvious to me, but it seems that these two things represent truth. The only question then that one has to ask is what kind of truth these represent? Are they relative truths? Are they universal truths? Do they even matter?

Santa, I am sure most would suggest is a relative truth. Though he is a fictitious character, he represents an idea that many have internalized years. The idea that he projects is that if you are good, you get plenty of good things that you want. On the flip side if you are bad, you get plenty of bad things i.e. coal that you do not want. Although most people, or at least adult, sane people, understand that he is not real, many live their lives according to this Santa-ology. The reason that I suggest that this is a relative truth is because some people recognize that good does not always equal good; sometimes it equals bad. Sometimes good natured, upright persons do not get the things that are honorable, that are praiseworthy- they do not get the things that they diligently seek after. Instead, it seems like that which is sought after by persons who really deserve goes to those who in all honestly should be receiving bags of coal.

Jesus came into the world to save sinners. Contrary to what some would suggest, this is universal truth. This truth does not depend on one’s circumstances, it does not depend on one’s view and it does not even depend on one’s culture as this truth persists regardless if anyone believes it or not. Jesus came into the world to save us from ourselves, to save us from being swept away by our self-destructive ideologies so that we may know him. Contrary to Santa-ology, he does not teach that those who are good get what they want; instead he teaches the way of the cross. The way of the cross is death- a constant, deliberative death. This is a death that is not so much physical as it is spiritual, mental, and emotional and for this reason, even more painful. He admonishes us to die daily so that He can live through us. We decrease so that he can increase. We humble ourselves so that he can receive the glory. We become broken before Him so that He can put us back together according to His design.

The way of the cross brings inherent suffering- it is unavoidable! I cannot think of one single person in the entirety of the Biblical text that chose the way of the cross and did not experience extreme trials. In my opinion, a lot of those trials are brought on by ourselves and our need to have things done our way. Although our spirits are willing to undergo the process of reconstruction that the cross brings, when our flesh meets those wooden planks it often wants to go run and hide. Maybe I am wrong, but I speak as a person who has ran time and time again from the nails. I do not want to die, simply put, I just do not! But if this is the only way that Christ can truly live through me, I must surrender.

The good thing about this kind of death is that after crucifixion there is life again. Jesus was the supreme example of that as after he died, he resurrected to life anew and not just any kind of life- it was better than the life He had before because resurrection power flowed through his veins. For this reason I can assuredly say that God does not call us to die just for dying’s sake- he calls us to this process so that we may live better lives for His glory. I would reckon that we can do very little for God without resurrection power- but in order to have it we must be determined to first know Christ in His suffering, in His dying.

This is the hope that I hang on to, this is the truth that I that I live my life by. I do not want to take my chances on the ideology that preaches if I do all of the right things, I will get the right results. God and life itself has shown me that this kind of thinking is greatly erred. I would rather take my chances, no matter how painful, on the hope of resurrection! Throughout these months, God has surely taken me through a daily process of dying as he has torn all of the pleasantries of this world from my hands. I look all around me and see how many others are prospering and sometimes I ask myself, what am I doing wrong that I am not getting their results. Where is the dream job? Where are the finances? Where is the man? I am not suggesting in any way that these things will come to me when resurrection takes place, although I sure do hope they do! I am suggesting, however, that God will restore every single thing that life has snatched away from me and I am suggesting that all of the things that I am enduring now will make since. Until that day, my flesh meets the planks of that wooden cross and I submit to the Father.

Endless

2008-01-29T18:13:00.000-08:00

You are not threatened by my questions, by my doubts, by my fears
by my inadequacies, by my shortcomings, by my emotions, by my tears...

My tears have been many, how they fall and fill up the room.
It seems like I am swimming, my arms wrestle tirelessly with the waters of my soul...

My soul, it runs deep like roots, God there is so much there!
So many prayers, so many desires, the cries are endless.
I am so anxious,
You understand...

You understand my heart, my mind, my will,
You understand the very depths of who I am.
You see the passion in my eyes, and the fire in my soul
That draws me out and compels me to come up higher...

Higher to where you are, higher to where I can finally be at rest
From the struggle within this wretched being that I am.
Every part of me longs for that final redemption when you will completely restore
All that is broken and all that has been ripped apart by the locusts of this life...

Life it goes on until you call be home,
Then the questions will cease and the doubts will dissipate
And the tears that surround me now will make sense
Then I will lie down in sweet sleep and ever be embraced by your love...

Your love that has never failed me,
God it has never let me go.
I can never grasp the depth or the richness of it,
Yet until that day I will ask you to make it ever known.

Called out from Egypt, but I still smell like Egypt...

2007-12-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

Life is full of many promises, at least when you follow God it is. But in my life lately, I have yet to see any of those promises come to past. I have been walking with the Lord for some 15 years now, and from the beginning of our relationship, I knew that my life would be different. I knew that as a result of following Jesus, my life would look different than the lives of those around me and that God would call me to follow standards of living that others choose not to follow. To the degree of what that meant, I did not understand but as I grow closer to God, I am beginning to get a glimpse.
The last couple of weeks and months, I would say, my relationship with God has taken on a different shape largely based on the season that I am in. I feel as if God has taken away everything that I could possibly hold onto and I must admit, it has been scary, humiliating, and trying most of the time. He has taken away many things that I used to depend on, and taken me to a place where I began to question his sanity and his love for me. In my understanding, I felt that God was ordering my life in one particular way and yet He has been showing me that he is doing it another. Many of the promises that He has made regarding my career, my relationships, my finances, I felt like He was about to fulfill, and legitimately so, but here I stand with those things unfulfilled and honestly, quite hurt as a result.
My disappointment, you could say brought up all sorts of feelings. At one moment, I was angry at God, at another, angry at the world. I felt insecure, I felt alone, I felt depressed. I tried to pray and seek God's face, but if it is very hard to seek the face of someone that you are angry at. For many days, I passed my day in sorrow and in despondency, and really began to pity the state that God had left me in. I felt largely deserted by Him, even though I still tried to seek Him. I began to feel as if all of God's promises in His Word was for everyone but for me, and I began to think of myself as Esau, the one that God hated, instead of like Jacob, the one that he loved.
It was this past Monday when I stepped into my counselor's office and began to explain to her some of these things. And it was also Monday, when my world began to change. As I confessed where I was, because I had never admitted out loud that I felt that God had it in for me, God came to meet me there. I knew in my head all of His promises were true, and that His Word was true, but deep in my heart, the little girl in me did not. All that little girl in me believed was that God would turn out being just like her earthly father, because that was the only example of a father that she knew. All that she knew and understood was that a father was hateful, vengeful, untrustworthy, and deceitful. But this is where God had to meet me, in order so that he could begin to heal me.
The remainder of the week was filled with emotional highs and lows. Realizing that this was what I thought about God, I began to feed my Spirit with the truth of His Word, and asked Him to really reveal to me all that he was. In the process of my seeking, I read from Isaiah 49 which talked about God restoring the Israelites. In this text, God showed Israel that He had not forsaken them and had not forgotten them, but that they were constantly on his mind. In a sense I was encouraged, but then on the other hand I was not because I wondered what I did that I needed to be restored.
It was Wednesday when I realized that I was beating myself and God up too much in my mind to find any relief. I began to call on the resources of friends that God placed at my disposal, but largely to complain and point out where God had brought me to. God used a few people to speak words of encouragement and words that shed some light on the things that he was doing in the Spirit. He did take some things away, and he did bring me to this point, but He would also restore me and fulfill those promises that he made from the beginning. I needed to resolve to worship him. I needed to resolve to seek him no matter what was going on, because on the other side there was blessing and I just needed to hang on.
I think that it is in times like these when the devil begins to act up the most. Just because God was trying to do something in me, did not mean that Satan was going to rest still. No, it did not mean that he was going to behave and give God room to do what he wanted to do in me. Instead, he threw discouragement, fear, disappointment and every other fiery dart my way to get me to give up. But I knew that it would be silly to throw in the towel, because I also knew that God had brought me too far just to leave me hanging, if nothing else, His name was at stake. But it was more than his name, it was me who was on the line. He also wanted to prove himself to me, and show me who he was. As I prayed one night, I heard God whisper to me that he was concerned more about my healing than anything that I could do for Him. He was more concerned about me getting to the place that I needed to be in my relationship with him, than all of the people that I thought I needed to save.
Friday night, after spending some time with friends, I came home and decided that I would spend time in the Word and in prayer. I thought that I would read through I John which spoke about the love of God, but the Holy Spirit took me to James instead. As I read through the book of James, the Holy Spirit spoke to me on multiple levels. I needed to learn to preserve during this trial so that God could make me perfect and complete, lacking in no good thing. In reading this, I began to ask God how long. How long with this trial last? How long did he need to perfect me and make me complete to the point that he could trust me with the blessings of his promises. Instead of giving me an answer, he reminded me of the Israelites and their journey out of Egypt. God delivered them from slavery and the persecution that the Egyptians afflicted on them. He promised them a land, an inheritance flowing with milk and honey, and he promised that they would turn around and bless others. He did not give them the promise right away but took them through the desert to get the stench of Egypt off of them. He knew that as they were, they could not handle the promise, the blessing, but had to clean them off and allow them to go through some things. He had to show them how to fight, and he needed to show them how to trust in him. This process, however, was supposed to take only eleven days, but because of their complaining and disobedience, it took forty years.
In all of this, God has shown me that I still smell and look like Egypt. Yes, he has made promises to me and he will come through on those promises in his own time. But he needs to get the garments of slavery off of me before I can interact with his blessings. Although ultimately it is his process and his hand that brings me through, I have a role to play. What will my attitude be in this? How will I act and how will I behave? I can be like the Israelites and whine and complain at everything that comes my way, or I can resolve to be like David and learn to encourage myself in the Lord. How I choose to act and respond is entirely up to me, but choosing to pity myself is no longer an option as it will definitely delay the Lord's blessing and turn what is supposed to be eleven days into forty years.
I do not know who my testimony is for. But I do know that there are others out there who are waiting for God to come through on some things and to date, he has not yet. We cannot control how fast God chooses to work, he cannot control the process, but we can control our attitudes in the midst of it. We can choose to bless the Lord with everything that is in us, and allow God to show us the areas of weakness. We can allow God to take us through the desert for a season, or spend a lifetime there because we choose to be bitter, angry, and act defeated. The choice is ours saints. Be Encouraged!!!

A Decision

2006-10-29T20:21:00.000-08:00

I am making a decision to love you,
and it is not always easy
You are so far away and I am here,
and I cannot see you but I know that you are there.

I am making a decision to love you
and sometimes I just do not know how.
I want to do my own thing and I do not want to obey...
but God can you hear me now?

I am making a decision to love you
and it is not just a feeling that I have.
My stomach is not filled with butterflies
and I am not floating on cloud nine.
But deep in my heart of hearts,
God I know that this is right!

I am making a decision to love you,
stand by me Lord God I pray!
My knees will buckle, my feet will fail me
and tomorrow I may not remember these words that I pray today.

Strengthen me, my God...
Lift me up from the miry clay.
I am making a decision to love you,
Today, tomorrow and forever always.

"I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake" you so that we may confidently say, The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me
Hebrews 13:5b-6

Fairytales

2006-09-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

I have always been inspired by Anita Baker’s song, Fairy Tales. Maybe it was because of the title, maybe becuase of the mesage that it gives. My mom used to listen to her when I was younger and misplaced her album somehow. Enjoying it so much, I added it to my collection about a year ago. That was when I really listened to the words of the song, the feelings of disappointment and despair because life did not turn out the way that she anticipated it would. In th esong, her mother had told her countless stories of love and romance, and how one day her own magic prince would come and take her away. Her reality: it did not happen and it was not going to happen. Such thinking, was not life but only, as you may have guessed it, a fairytale.
My perception of life has been the same, not just concerning romance and love, but life in general. That I would fall in love with the right man and live happily ever afer in a beautiful mansion, if you will. That I would have the perfect job that I was good at and enjoyed and make tons of money doing it. That I would live forever, and be free of all sickness and disease, ill-fortune or anything else. But like Anita, my reality too has set in, so with her I can sing
You never came to save me, you let me stand alone. Out in the wilderness, alone in the cold.
I found no magic potion, no horse with wings to fly. I found the poison apple, my destiny to die
No royal kiss could save me, no magic spell to spin, my fantasy is over, my life must now begin
My story end, as stories do, reality steps into view. No longer living life in paradise - no fairy tales
Do not misread the message tha ti am trying to convey here. I have not lost all hope, I am actually quite optimistic, maybe more so than the average person. I have just come to regretfully realize that life is not always fair; it does not always deal us the best hand. We will find that it is full of pain and hurt and the reality is that it is inevitable regardless of how you live your life. The reality is that this is our lot, our destiny.
Some would dare to point their finger at God. Since he is all powerful and all knowing, he must be the reason for our displeasure, our misfortune. How else do you explain innocent victims of natural disasters or even disasters invoked by the hands of other human beings?
As much as you may be tempted to shake your fist at him, and curse his name, wait for a second. Yes, he is all knowing and all powerful, but the root of the pain that we face day to day cannot be the cause of God but of two butt-naked people in a garden a long time ago. These two people determined the destiny of the whole earth with just one single act of disobedience. All it took was a small bite of an animal and all of the earth was cursed forever. I am not just talking about people, but I am even talking about the land, the sea, vegetation and even the animals that populate it. With one single bite of a stupid animal, everything was cursed and death became our disposition, our fate, and as much as it grieved God to lose the very beings that he created, that he loved so much, there was nothing that he could do about it. As powerful, loving, and all knowing as He is, it was our decision to turn our backs on Him and he could not intervene.
Unless, unless, he took that curse upon himself. We were destined for an eternity of death and pain unless he became the curse that we were and so he did. He sent his Son a down to the earth in the form of human form and watched him die an agonizing death on a tree just so that the very people who despised and rejected him would be granted another opportunity to live forever. He became a remedy to this curse, but only for those who trusted in Him, only for those who believed in Him. Like a remedy to Cancer or any other virus, you will only if you take the medicine, the remedy. So it is with the provision that his Son Jesus Christ gave us, there simply was no other way.
Some would question or comment, “what if I do not believe that He is the remedy. What if I do not believe that he is the only way to ensure that my soul is not cursed. That’s fine! Your disbelief or denial in the cross of Christ does not make this reality any less real, any less true. A person’s disbelief in a cure for emphysema, or cancer does not make it any less true. It would be equally foolish to think Tylenol or Ibprofen or Morphine could cure emphysema, as It is to believe that Buddha, Confucius, Mohammed, John Smith or any other god could take away the curse of sin from all of mankind as hey did not die for it.
Now I understand the cultural sensitivity that must be taken account for here. What about the people who grew up in different cultures, with worship to different gods and deities? Maybe they would serve this Jesus if they only knew. That is why it is our aim, my aim to go to the ends of the earth and preach, proclaim this message of salvation, this message of healing to every creature everywhere. I find that nothing else matters. Not fame, not fortune, not happiness. Everything else is worthless; everything else is vanity and vexation of spirit.
Outside of knowing the Lord, life just does not make sense. For the person that gets up everyday and leaves home to go to their $100,000 a year job at the cost of their family falling apart, their health failing, and their stress level rising, they must wonder what the point of all of it is. For the person of fame whose in the lime light making the big bucks because they can sing, dance, walk across a runaway, or bounce a basketball? At the end of the day as their head hits the pillow and they begin to question what happens when their beauty fades and their talents grows cold, they have to wonder in their hearts what’s the worth in what they are doing, what is the purpose. No matter how successful or unsuccessful, beautiful or ugly, healthy or ill that a person is, our fate is all the same. Because of that apple, every person when they leave this earth is faced with a startling reality—their place in eternity. It is here where we will find that the only thing that we have done on the earth that will count in eternity is if we knew the Lord or not, and not just for ourselves but if we have told other people about him. The only that God will ever ask us is what we did with his Son, Jesus Christ. Did we know and accept him? Did we testify about him and not just with our words but with our very lives?

Maybe...

2006-09-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

I wonder sometimes what my purpose is here, if this is really where I am supposed to be or if I am just not trying hard enough. I wonder if these are the things that really count or if I am missing the mark somewhere, somehow. I know what my passions are...I am not very passionate about this. An atmosphere that is so cold, and so withdrawn; where are all the people, where is all the ministry, where are all the souls? These are the things that matter to me but yet I find myself here- stuck or am I really? Am I truly stuck or or is this just the process and the beauty of experiencing life? Is this ministry? I guess it is not as glorious, spirit-filled or much less intense as what I anticipated ministry to be. Its all about people, right? And if its all about people that means seeing them as Jesus does, filthy rags, hurts, needs, identity and all. So maybe that is the real question...do I truly see people with from God's point of view and with His heart? Maybe if I did, everything would be ministry and every moment would be an opportunity to express His love. Maybe...

This was written as I sat at my desk at TCF, observing and helping my customers, wondering if this was the point.

2006-08-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

Settling

2006-08-22T19:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when it is late at night and I am all alone, or when it is in the middle of the day, such as now and I am bored and hungry or when I am happy and full of energy, I start to thinking. I start feeling like I could just settle, settle for whatever life throws at me. I wonder if it would be easier just to give in to the wind, instead of fighting against it. You know, its pretty hard to fight against the wind; it blows aimlessly and knocks out whoever it will. And if by chance, you prevail and it does not overtake you, and you get to the other side, and there is no wind or storms, or hot coals for that matter, who is to say that is what you really wanted, what you really needed to restore your life back to…sanity.
I wonder would it be easier to just lower my standards. Why must I strive for the best and not settle for anything less than spectacular? Why cannot I just give my love, my heart to the next thing that comes along? Who cares if he will lie and cheat, and steal my heart away from the very God I love, at least I would have one. Who cares if he is not everything I hoped for, everything I dreamed of, at least he’s real. At least he would make me feel like a woman, like I am alive, or maybe he would snuff out every breath in this wretched body, and though I go on living, I am dying inside, apathetic and cold to this broken world. Who’s to say…if I would settle? But I know better than that, at least I think I do.
I know there is a better life than heartache and pain and tears and turmoil. Not because I have necessarily experienced it, much less seen it but because I have heard of stories of people who put their faith in a God that we cannot see and honestly a God that we do not always feel. Of people who wait patiently and diligently for him sometimes for lifetimes and though its not immediate, they reap the benefits of trusting, of waiting, and of yielding to him instead of our fickle desires which change as frequently as the seasons, here today and gone tomorrow. I know his promises, I know his commands, but some things they are hard to see, when everyone else around me seems to have everything and more. They are getting married, and having babies, and hooking up, and falling in love and I am here not even close to any of those things because the ones that want me, I should not be with and the ones that I am interested in do not even know my name. (‘Round and ‘round and round we go. Will he ever know?) I wonder sometimes if it is just a cruel joke or if God is just instilling patience and trust in me, knowing that I can handle it, knowing that though it may shake me, I will not break.
As alluring as it appears to be, I know the consequences of settling. I see the effects of it in my family, my culture, my country. Generations of divorce and separation, families torn apart and destroyed, lives accumulating to absolutely nothing because people could not just wait for God to move in their lives and instead choose to play Him or force His hand. You may think that I am being extreme, it is harsh, but it is nevertheless more true. Going to a Bible college, I saw this truth played out in its worst forms. You may think that people going to Bible college would make wiser decisions about who they choose to marry, about who they will spend the rest of their lives with and sometimes this true but often it is not because instead of using their heads and the Spirit of God to govern their decisions, their hormones take over and settle for the first one who shows interest, just because they are saved. And sometimes it works, and sometimes their decisions are lead by the Spirit of God, but sometimes God is not in it even though they claim that he is. Even then God still blesses as His Word says He rains on both the just and the unjust, and he still shows us favor when we make foolish decisions, but just imagine if we waited on him instead of trying to force him to move.
Imagine if Abraham would have waited instead of settling for whatever came along. Abe was a man who lived a long time ago, long before there were cars and carriages, and long before women wore high heels and men wore diamond studs in their ears. He was a man that God called out from his family, out from the land that he knew to become a father of many nation, of many kindred, and of many people groups. And Abe trusted God, he believed that he would fulfill the promises that he had made to him. There was only one problem; Abe’s wife Sarah was barren, she had never produced offspring and chances were slim that she would in her old age, past her child bearing years. And so, Sarah took matters into her own hands, she gave her handmaiden to Abraham to conceive a son, so that God’s promise would be fulfilled. The affects? Well, even though Abe took matters into his own hands, God still blessed, he still fulfilled his promise. Though they were old, 90 and 100 years old to be exact, they still had a son of their own and named his Isaac. And Isaac had two sons, Israel and Esau, and Israel’s sons became the fathers of the twelve tribes of the Jewish nation. God lived up to his side of the bargain and blessed even though Abe and Sarah settled for less than God’s best.
But whatever came of that child that Sarah’s handmaiden bore. Sarah actually became jealous of him and had him along with his mother sent away, not wanting him to share in Isaac’s inheritance. But in the end, God blessed that child too. Ishmael, like Isaac, became the father of a great people. I have heard it said that his descendants are those of the Arabs today, but I find that statement a little too lofty and a little too insensitive. But what if Abe would not have settled? Could other nation’s relations with the Middle East be quite a bit more peaceful if they had? Just a little something to think about.
So this is my struggle, and although I have been obedient, and I have not settled, the battle gets more intense and more severe each and every day. Some days I do just fine, but then there are others when this feeling of loneliness and wantonness creeps up on me and almost overtakes me, and although it does not, I wonder how much longer I can persist and not fold. I know that it is not something that I can handle on my own but that I need people around me to help lift me up. Sometimes people think that they can handle what they are going through on their own when in actuality they cannot, and if they cannot, I cannot either,
The thing about it is that people think it is better to hold what they are struggling with in thinking that it is better to maintain an appearance of superiority and excellence, when those things are only a mask of something that I have come to affectionately call pride. The whole purpose for people, for relationships, for community is that God knows that on our own, we cannot do anything and that we not only need his Spirit but that we need the arms and prayers of those around us to lift us up before him. It requires vulnerability and it requires humility, both of which do not come easy.
As I write this, convicted myself because I was not allowing the body of Christ to be to me what I needed, I shared my struggle, my stronghold with a prayer group that I am in, knowing that if I did, I would surely find healing as a result of obeying God’s Word. As I voiced my concern, I felt utterly stupid, thinking that no one cared and that what I had to say, what I was going through was just not important enough. Sometimes we tend to think that once we obey the Lord, the enemy immediately shuts up, but most often he does not and instead continues to throw accusatory remarks and lies, hoping that there is still a chance that we get sidetracked and disobey.

I have never been a huge fan of the sport or hobby, if you will, of juggling. As much as it is intruging to see clowns or whoever else juggle 3 or more objects between two hands without letting them touch the ground, I have never been so persuaded to try to perform the act myself, at least I was not until recently not because I developed an interest but simply because that was how life happened for me. At first I did not notice because I only had one object in my hand but as I grew older, life added more, something that I guess I expected but was not completely prepared for. At first it was just school, easy enough to keep in the air, then it became school and work, then it became school, work and friends, and then it became school, work, friends, career, family, finances, future, relationships and so much more; all of which made me want to let everything drop and land as they would. It is really quite humorous, rewarding, and stressing at the same time. At one moment I am rejoicing because all of the balls seem to be staying in the air, almost effortlessly. But then one drops and it must cause some type of domino effect until everything is everywhere and I am stuck in the middle of it, wondering if I can really do this thing. I wonder can I really excel in the things that I believe God has called me to even when everything else around me fails. I mean, I see my family falling apart and I see people all around me giving up their dreams; what makes me so special to think that I can reach mine. And as if to make matters worse, things in my life compound on top of one another threatening my sanity, threatening my life.
Sometimes I wonder if fighting this hard is really worth it. Is it really worth pursing things in life in a manner that honors God instead if giving into fleshly desires like everyone else seems to be doing? Is it worth waiting for the man of God that God has created just for me instead of going out and finding whoever I want, knowing that God may see fit not to fulfill that desire of mine. Is it worth doing business well, and deciding not to rip people off, knowing very well that someone may decide to do that to me. Is it worth treating people with love and respect, the way that I myself would like to be treated knowing that when push comes to shove, that is not the way that most people will treat me.
A lot of Christians think that just by serving Christ there is guaranteed happiness, freedom, and prosperity and in a limited sense this is true. I used to be one of those people who thought this way, thinking that everyday would be full of sunshine and butterflies and strawberries and a plethora of good things. If this is the case then, I have to stop and wonder why life does not look like this for people all around the world serving Christ do not get butterflies, strawberries, and sunshine but instead experience famine, darkness and sword. If life in Christ is to be pleasant and roses, then why are Christians in China in hiding and why are students who stand up for what they believe in shot and killed before they are given the opportunity to realize their dreams or why is that faithful mother of five stuck on welfare even though she obeys the principles of God’s Word. Is it because these persons have not truly grasped the truth of the Gospel and so reap the consequences of not doing so, but if this is the case, I must question you about certain persons such as Moses, Elijah, Jeremiah, Ezekial, John the Baptist, Paul, Peter, James, John, Luke, and so many others who not only lived but died for their faith. Did they too miss it, or are we just not getting it. I do not think that I have yet to understand all that this life in Christ means because I am stuck questioning myself if it is worth it or not to relinquish everything that I so desperately try to hold just to follow him. Maybe these things are not what life is all about; maybe they are not the things that truly matter. As sin soaked and disease stricken as this world is, it offers absolutely nothing that we can carry into the next. It is not our home, or goal and so why do we spend our lives trying to make sense and meaning out of something that will never last. With this in mind, for me, fighting becomes worth it, because not to fight would mean surrendering to a world that is not mind to have and a future that I am not guaranteed.