Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday April 24th, it started off as such a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and even though the circumstances surrounding me were not too bright, I was in the right state of mind. Driving to work with the windows down, I was in a realm of peace and it felt great. That was around 9 o'clock. Around 12, my teeth began to bother me just a little bit. It did not really hurt but was absolutely annoying but I did not think anything of it and thought that as quickly as the annoying pain came, it would just as soon go away.
It did not.
Friday turned into Saturday. By mid-day, I'm getting really ticked because no amount of tylenol will shake this thing. Its all I can think about. Although I supposed to be kicking it with my girls, thanks for the wonderful party again ladies, in the back of my mind I'm disturbed because I cannot get comfortable with this agonizing pain that is my teeth. Now I understand why teething babies are cranky, because its all I can keep from doing from going off on somebody.
Now its Saturday night, with another group of friends and still the pain persists. Someone suggests Orajel, the magical wonderful medicine that will numb my pain so that I cannot feel it anymore. Yeah! I'm excited to hear a solution and rush over to Walgreens on my way home to pick up my new best friend. I get home, rip off the safety label and apply that sucker on my teeth like there was no tomorrow. I felt the numbness beginning to kick in...for all about 3 minutes. After that, the pain was still there. What the heck was going on? This was not how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be in peace, not this.
Needless to say, I did not get much sleep that night. Saturday turned into Sunday. After much complaining, my fiance suggests that I call the dentist to see if I can go in on Friday and get these demons extracted. Monday morning, before my feet can even hit the floor, I'm on the phone dialing the teeth people's office asking them when can they fit me in. Tuesday? No, I have to work. Friday? Yeah, that will do.
I hang up the phone, overjoyed because now this pain can go away. In the meantime, I pop Tylenol like its candy and Orajel like its red kool-aid. Together they work pretty effectively at numbing this pain for like 2 or 3 hours. But they are not permanent, they cannot really get at the root at why the pain is there and they cannot cure it either. The permanent solution? Undergo a painful surgery and get those things out!
What are you using to numb your pain? Like Orajel and Tylenol, it wont get at the root causes of why the pain is there and will only cover it up temporarily. Maybe yours lasts more than 2 or 3 hours, but no matter how long it cannot really satisfy or cure the brokenness. In my life, I've used the pain numbers of shopping, t.v., relationships, eating, exercising, and so much more. At the end of the day, whenever that anesthetic wore off, I was still hurting. I had to deal with the root causes of those things and come out, no matter how painful that extraction was, so that I could live pain-free.
Today, I asked my boss if it would be ok if I took Friday off to deal with this. Without hesitation she said yes, saying that if I did not deal with it now, it would only get worse. I charge you, whatever yours is, deal with it now. Suffer the pain of surgery and coming up under the knife of healing now, and live tomorrow free as a result.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
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...when life gets rough, just dance
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Tuesday, April 21, 2009
As Maylee waited in the station, counting the minutes and hours that lay ahead, she carefully pondered all that she would be leaving behind. She recalled images of family and friends that unmasked a deep gray past full of pain and broken promises again and again. She remembered a crimson-stained history of concealed secrets that if let out had the potential of exposing individuals but because they were kept inside destroyed her family. Divorce and depression and unforgiveness kept her family ensnared but that was all they knew and all they were ever willing to know so as such they abided not understanding that they too could be free.
They cautioned her, 'life would be no better where you're headed'. Though she had never seen it, Maylee knew different. She read in story books of where peace existed, she overheard her neighbors once say that joy could really be attained. Rumors circulated in her town of wholeness and unity and freedom that could exist and that she wanted for herself. Though her family pleaded with her to stay, to reside in dysfunction and hopelessness, she packed her bags and left knowing that a better life awaited her on the other side of the tracks.
She packed all of her belongings and precious memories of childhood and youth. Though not many, she would cherish them and cling to them as one would to rare precious jewels. She carefully wrapped her fragile possessions, placing them in delicate cloths that would promise to last through her journey. When she was certain that everything was in its proper place, she slowly closed her suitcase but as she did scarfs of bitterness caught her eye.
Frightened, she frantically threw open her suitcase and noticed that along with bitterness lay royal garments of anger, hatred, and resentment too! These she did not want, they she would leave behind. Carefully, Maylee removed them from her things and placed them to the side. That's when pain caught her eye; at first Maylee thought to remove that too, btu she realized that she would need it. Not so that it would continue to pierce and destroy her as did the other things but to serve as a reminder of where she did not want to be.
She gathered her suitcase, walking out of her room, and then out of her house for the last time. No one was present to bid her farewell so there were no goodbyes. Although it made her sad that no one had come around, she had to keep moving forward. She walked down the dusty and broken cobblestone road for two miles until she reached her destination, found a seat and sat, waiting for her train to come.
Minutes passed by. Minutes turned into hours, hours turned into days, days into weeks, weeks into months. People came by consistently, jeering and accusing her of being insanne but still she sat knowing that one day her train would come. They told her it had been over 20 years since a train pulled into that station but still she was determined to sit. She was determined to sit, she was determined to pray, and she was determined to receive everything that was promised to her.
Finally after months of waiting, Maylee's train pulled into the station. "Ma'am are you sure this is the train you want"? "Yes, sir", Maylee responded. "Can you pay the fare"?. "Yes, sir" Maylee replied.
Standing for the first time in months, Maylee grabbed her suitcase and walked slowly to the doors. After going up one step, she placed her suitcase down, exhaled and turned around to behold the world that she was leaving one last time. Was this what she truly wanted, was this what she truly deserved? Doubts began to overflood her mind until before long Maylee was drowning in a sea of them. She began to recall all of the things that her family said, and maybe they were right; maybe family and peace and joy liked she longed for didn't truly exist and were only fit as fairytales for children's books.
At the moment when Maylee seemed she would be overtaken, she remembered where she was and who she was. At the moment she considered forsaking her destiny, she remembered that she, herself was living proof that it was real. The train was there, wasn't it? Though people told her that it would not come it was here and she was standing on it!
She did not know what the future held if she stayed on that train but she was for certain what it would mean if she got off. Though unpredictable, the future that lay ahead of her looked much more promising. She would have to work and she would have to roll up her sleeves and fight, but she was beginning to understand that success and happiness did not come easy- only failure and misery did!
"Ma'am, are you ready to leave, the train needs to pull out"? "Yes, sir", Maylee responded for the last time. She ascended the remainding three stairs, paid her fare adn took her seat. And as the train pulled off, Maylee knew that she was finally free.
Monday, April 20, 2009
What is certain is that they are there, coloring the canvas of my mind with elegance and grace. Minor differences are present but they are all pretty much the same. Not one stands out from the other as they are all laden with beauty and all covered the same; same bark, same branches, same nakedness as for now they have been stripped of their leaves. They are uniform and not very distinct but they are trees, systematically planted and lined up in quaint little rows so as to diffuse any argument that might occur among them about who is the best tree, or who is the tallest tree, or who is the thinnest.
What if people were like these trees. Not all trees but these specifically. What if we were all beautiful and what if we were all tall, what if we were all uniform, what if we were all the same. What if we all wore the same clothing, and all had the same accent, and spoke the same language, and believed God exactly the same. They there would not be wars and rumors of wars as there would be nothing to fight about. Then there would not be any competition- jealousy and rage would cease to exist as we would all look the same and consist of the same stuff. We would all be of the same political party; whether we would all be Democrats or Republicans I am not sure, but maybe it would not even matter because we would all think the same things and believe the same things.
Though this sounds fanciful, it also sounds, I don't know, a little boring to me. Although there would be no fighting, no strife, no conflict, no dying, no competition, no crying there would also be no distinctness, no me-ness, no separation from where you start and where I begin. There would not be variety, color, a sharpening of the minds and intellect, no creativity, no innovativeness, no need for a Savior (as trees don't need a Savior) as we would all be the same and look the same and act the same and live the same.
Perhaps the question then is not how I make you more like me but how you can remain who you are with all of your wonderful distinctions while being in relationship with me, coming forth with all of mine. to me, this is the greater miracle of unity and harmony and reconcilation in the world- how people of different faces and different races can still come together and become one!
Often they turn toward the people closest to them and push them further and further away until one day they are no longer there.
It's sad but it's true. Just think about the single mother who decides to lash out on her innocent child because it seems like her burdens are to heavy to bear. Or the husband who desists from responding to his wife because the demands at work are too much and refuses to share them with her.
Or the sister, the brother, the father, the mother, the cousin, the friend who turns toward another in hopes to afflict them with the same curse that has been placed on their shoulders. Although they don't truly wan the other to suffer, they want the pain in their own hearts to go away and fade into the darkness.
So they continue to provoke, they continue to heap, they continue to push, they continue to divide until there is nothingness....now there is even more emptiness...
The void enlarges, the anger grows but now there is no one there but themselves, staring at themselves, no longer able to blame the world because in fact they have eradicated it, themselves now the only persons to blame. No one present to help bail them out, the cycle continues until they defeat themselves. Hurting people hurt people, but in the end they only hurt themselves.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
You know what else I do to myself? I stress myself out unnecessarily. Partly because I get so worried and anxious about things I cannot control, when I should be trusting God instead. Partly because I pack my schedule so tight that I start to complain that I never have time to do anything. Its all really quite funny, or at least I thought it was until two different medical issues within weeks of each other come back with the same report, signifying that stress was taking control of my being and attacking my body.
Only then did I begin to take seriously the Lord's exhortation to not worry, only then did I really start to consider what it means to sit at his feet instead of being bothered about the things that really will end up taking care of itself in the end. But its quite difficult to see that when the list of things that need to get done never ever shrinks down in size but instead continues to grow.
I pray that I learn my lesson this time. I pray that I learn to focus on the most important thing and let the other stuff go for another time. I pray that I learn to trust more, not myself and what I can do in my finite understanding, but that I learn to trust, rely, depend, and wait on God instead.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
A million and one different tasks that need to get completed and rest just is not one of them.
I need a place, a secret place where I can dwell.
I need a place, a dwelling place where I can lay my head.
And be still.
And block out the cares of this world.
I need a place where I can unveil my concerns and not have any one judge me.
A resting place.